Letters
by amerikanka
Summary: The correspondence of Marlene and Regulus over a five year period, through the horror and terror of a war neither of them want. References a few of my other fics, but not enough that you need to read them first. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

A Note to the Reader: This is something I've had in my head for quite a while. I had it worked into a short story, but I think the better presentation would be just to put up all the letters as they are. There will be one letter per chapter, and it shouldn't take me too long to update them. There are eight in all, and they're already written. Regulus and Marlene as a pairing are quite dear to me, and I hope you enjoy these as much as I enjoyed writing them.

_June 12, 1975_

_Dear Marlene,_

_I can't believe I'm writing you. Please don't take offense at that. I just mean that my family will probably be able to smell the blood-traitor stench that my owl will return with. That being said, I do hope he returns with a letter from you. Not to sound desperate or anything, but my summer has been terrible and I'm going mad from boredom._

_ Sirius has managed to infuriate my mother again – I don't know what he's done this time. He's probably breathing too loudly or something. I'm not sure how much more of this anyone can take. They're at each other's throats constantly. There have been more family dramatics as well, but I won't bore you with those. Suffice it to say, I think the only reason Mother hasn't disowned Sirius yet is that the Blacks are already the laughingstock and horror of what my mother calls 'civilized society.' I must admit it was hard to not laugh in front of her when I thought of the face you would make if you overheard her saying that._

_ The only good thing coming up this summer is the Quidditch World Cup. I'm sure you're going. We are as well, because it's apparently a high-society event that we must be seen attending. I'm excited to go to Spain, even though I'm sure the Spanish will be grumpy that they only made it to the quarterfinals. I do envy you though. You'll doubtless be out on the grounds after the match celebrating and partying all night. I'm going to be trussed up like a Christmas turkey at some boring event while you do that. Be sure to have a drink for me, won't you?_

_ My money's on the Russians to win, but I do hope the Americans put up a good fight of it. Not literally of course, though Merlin knows tensions are tight enough between them that that might just happen. That's why I've enclosed the money, in case you were wondering. Put five Galleons on the Russians for me? Mother would scream herself hoarse if she caught me gambling, but I think having a bit of money down makes it worth the risk. Couldn't actually do it myself, of course, but knowing it's there will be enough. If they do win, buy yourself something nice. I don't need or want the money. What would I do with it anyway?_

_ Why is it easier speaking to you in a letter than it is anyone else? I don't think I've felt this comfortable with anyone since Sirius and I were little. But he's changed now. Or maybe I have, but I don't think so. I am everything my family wants me to be. Sometimes I wish... no. If I even write it it is too much. I can't say what I want._

_ I'm sorry, Mar. You don't need to hear my whining. I hope the rest of your summer goes well. Perhaps I'll catch a glimpse of you at the World Cup._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Regulus_


	2. Chapter 2

_August 15, 1975_

_Dear Regulus,_

_I will most certainly not spend your money. Have it back – all ten Galleons of it. Smart of you, betting on the Russians. You buy yourself something, or save it for a rainy day._

_ I hope you enjoyed the match at least. I did see you dressed up after it, but I was being dragged to the party. You were correct in that. I was going to come up and say hi, but you were with your family and your mother already looked unpleasant. I didn't want to get you in trouble. I did see Sirius at the party later though, so I'm assuming there was shouting anyway._

_ Speaking of Sirius, I've heard some strange, although certainly not unexpected, rumors. Word has it he's run away, and my recent visit to the Potter house confirms that. But in case you were wondering, or concerned or anything, he's doing well, although he does seem more bitter than he was before. _

_ I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking to me. We none of us can go through life alone, and we all need somebody to lean on. Muggle music is surprisingly insightful at times, did you know?_

_ You are the good son, and you know what I think of that. Honestly, I'm surprised that you wrote me. Surely your summer can't be that boring. Don't you live in downtown London? I'm sure you can escape sometimes. The McKinnon Castle is too much like Hogwarts for my liking – all there is to do around here is swim, play Quidditch or tend to the animals. I'd love to be in London instead._

_ Wishing you a pleasant rest of your summer, or at least as pleasant as it can be with your mother hovering around like some crazy old bat, and love always (don't insinuate anything by that, it's just how I sign my letters,_

_ Marlene_


	3. Chapter 3

_June 30, 1976_

_Dear Marlene,_

_I know I shouldn't be writing you. My parents would be horrified if they knew, especially after last summer. This summer is even worse. The house is silent except when we have guests. Even then, our guests are quiet for the most part as well._

_ There is so much pressure on me to be perfect, the golden child. Although they don't say it around me, I know that I am the last hope for this family. After my brother was disowned, my parents bore down on me like a prize player in the World Cup. I try to joke about that, but I fear what it means. It may be too true for comfort._

_ I am sorry for writing to you like this, out of the blue and telling you things that we've never talked about. I know I'm probably not making much sense, but something happened tonight and I am scared of what it was. I think I must do something that frightens me more than anything. And yet I know I must... the fact that I do not think that I have a choice is the truly terrifying part._

_ I wish I could tell you. You know I hate keeping secrets, especially from you. But it is around you alone that I may be me, that I retain the sense of freedom that is most precious to me and that keeps me going when things get unbearable here. Please forgive my selfishness, but I do not think I can give that up without falling apart myself. And this would drive us apart, I am sure of that more than anything._

_ I am worried about what will happen next year. I keep waiting for you to wake up and realize that you are more than I will ever be. I keep waiting for you to realize that if you want a Black, my brother is the better option. I should be worrying about my O.W.L.s or what my family thinks of me, but that is strangely not as pressing as your opinions and feelings about me._

_ Will you do me a favor to help me escape from this dark hell I live in? Will you tell me about your home? I feel like I haven't left mine in days, and it's so gloomy and cold here. There is a chill in everything, and black drapes cover all the windows. Will you tell me what it's like to have constant sunshine on your face? You've told me that your family has winged horses - what's riding one of those like? _

_ I am sorry to wax poetical on you. But I dream about the life I picture you leading, though I do not allow myself to think about it often. One day of your freedom. That would be enough._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Regulus_


	4. Chapter 4

Over 100 views! I'm very happy about this - this was difficult to write. It would be nice to know what people thought of it, though. Leave a review if you are so inclined, because they are the bread and butter of an author's life!

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><p><em>July 3, 1976<em>

_Dear Regulus,_

_My home seems made of sunlight. The castle has large windows in almost every room, and the great halls have floor to ceiling windows that are mirrors at night. It is always bright here, because the mirrors reflect a million candles after the sun goes down._

_ The grounds are large. We have a small forest – nothing haunted, or at least I've never seen evidence of it. There are a few thestrals that live in it, but they keep to themselves for the most part. There's a family story that says they protect us, especially the young girls of the McKinnon family. I don't know if it's true or not. Kind of like dark unicorns, I suppose, although we have real unicorns as well. They are very shy but we do have three in the stables right now that are pretty friendly._

_ The main animal we have here is the winged horse. We have a matched set of Abraxans that we hire out, but we sell Granians and Aethonons. My Granian is beautiful. She's like lightning made solid. Her name is Alyth. I can't even hope to describe to you what flying is like. It's nothing at all like riding a broom, believe that. Brooms... brooms are a means to an end. Winged horses are the journey itself, especially when you get to know one and grow up with it. Alyth is skittish at time around strangers, but never me. I wish you could meet her. I feel you two would get along. And if you want freedom, there's nothing more freeing than having your fingers tangled in a soft mane and feeling the absolute power of these glorious creatures as you fly anywhere._

_ My home is set in a hidden valley. There is a large loch where we take our name from, Loch MacCaenyn. We all go swimming in the loch, and there is one island in particular on the far side, near the east bank of the loch, that I have made my own. I suppose one could get to it by boat, but flying there on Alyth is much better. I know we're not supposed to use magic outside of school but I've always done – the Ministry can't tell, you know. They just know where magic is being done, and there have always been more than enough family members around to blame it on. Anyway, I've built myself a little house there. It's nothing fancy, but there's a stable attached for Alyth and another winged horse, because I've had to bring supplies out to it often enough. I know you told me not to say anything about this, but if you ever need a place to hide, to really hide, you can't get much better than my island. McKinnon land is ancient and magic is ground into the very stones around here. Nothing's getting in without some serious magical force – think a battering ram, perhaps, only magic and the size of Hogwarts._

_ Oh Regulus. Your last letter made me... sad isn't really the right word, although I was definitely unhappy. More wistful, I suppose. You deserve everything, but at the very least you deserve freedom. I wish I could whisk you away, but I know I can't, not without your consent. It just seems like evrything would be so much easier._

_ Will you promise me something? I know it's not my place to ask, and I know it isn't fair of me. Will you think about escaping? Once you turn seventeen? I want you safe and I want you free, and this is the only way I know how to help. You know I won't judge you whatever you choose. I couldn't. But just think about it, won't you?_

_ Love always,_

_ Marlene_


	5. Chapter 5

_July 16, 1977_

_Dear Marlene,_

_You looked beautiful at your graduation. You always look beautiful, of course, but your eyes were shining and you seemed lit from the inside. I wanted to tell you but you were surrounded by your family. Actually, that's a lie. I wanted to tell you but I didn't have the courage to do it. I was supposed to be there for the graduating Slytherins, but I noticed you the most. You and all the Gryffindors. You all seemed so happy._

_ I regret so many things in my life, and I'm barely sixteen. This is no way to live. I only thank Merlin that you do not seem to live with regret, as I do. You are too good and pure for this kind of filth to take hold of you. You fight for what you know to be right, and damn the odds. Full on charge, no quarter given or taken. I... I slink around in shadows and hope I don't get hurt. You are brave and noble, and you are all the more glorious for it._

_ I want to tell you the thing I regret the most, but I don't know what it is. My life is already forfeit, and I accept that. I would rage and cry and scream against it, throw myself onto the walls that confine me and bind me, but it would do no good. I would be killed if I did that now. The time for fighting is past for me, the time for heroics and grandeur of spirit. Anything I do now I do for self-preservation, in hopes that one day I may see you again. That I may finally see freedom._

_ Is it strange that your home (and you, I will admit that as well) have become synonymous with freedom for me? Is it a bad thing? I carry your letter detailing your home with me now, disguised as the current Daily Prophet. When I can bear no more suffering caused at the hands of those I am with, I find a place away from others and read it, picturing you flying on Alyth to your secret island. I do not think that there is a more peaceful thing to me in the world than that image._

_ I've meant to thank you all year for your offer. But I seldom let myself think of it, lest I be tempted to take you up on it. I could never bring such danger down upon your family and life. Bad enough already that I am what I am, let alone drawing others like me near to you. I know you know what I've become. You're not an idiot in any sense of the word, and you know the people I associate with. I am so sorry. I hate it. I hate it more than anything, more than I hated Sirius after he left. Although I realize now that I never did hate him, I think. I was scared and jealous, furious and longing._

_ I am worried about the future. I do not expect you to come back to Hogwarts to be with me in the slightest. But although I am loathe to give you up, I know it is for the best. You deserve the world, and another man could give it to you. We can never be together and I know that. But the terrible, self-serving, romantic, poetry-loving part of me longs for it. I shouldn't have written that. I shouldn't allow myself to give voice to what I desire, not when I know I can't have it._

_ Live your life, my dear Marlene. Go out and find someone new, find someone better. And try to stay safe, above all else._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Regulus_


	6. Chapter 6

_October 21, 1977_

_Dear Regulus,_

_I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to you. This world has gotten crazy to live in. I had no idea how sheltered we were at Hogwarts. I don't know if the same is true for you – you were and are on the other side, after all. And though I know I should hate you for it, I can't. I can't see you as a threat. I can't see you as dangerous._

_ I'm glad that the image of my home helps you. I want you to keep that scene idyllic forever in your mind, as I keep in mine. But we've sold most of the horses now, or given them away to friends overseas. One of my second cousins is in France, and we sent most of them there. She wants to start her own farm and make it just as beautiful as our was, but I don't think she'll be able to. The south fo France just isn't as rugged and beautiful as our loch is._

_ The castle is quieter now. We've reinforced the walls and gates and there's always someone on watch duty, but I know it's only a matter of time. We're one of the largest blood traitor families, right up there with the Weasleys and the Prewitts. But we're the most prolific and the richest, and therefore the most offensive, even if we haven't married Muggles as much._

_ I've joined the Order. I know I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I know you already know about it. And I won't tell you anything except that I'm in it and I will die before I betray anyone in the Order, or before I quit. But if you know me at all, you already know that._

_ You stay safe as well, or at least as safe as you can. You know, something I learned a few years ago, back when I was still taking astronomy, was that the star Regulus is at the heart of the constellation Leo. So, while Sirius might shine the brightest, you're the lion's heart. Just think about it._

_ Love always,_

_ Marlene_


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Marlene,_

_I barely know what to say to you anymore. Seeing you at Diagon Alley shook me. It reminded me of what we used to have. But that's done now, and we're both better off for it. I don't know why I deluded myself for so long, or why you let me._

_ School is better now. I am respected, and people leave me alone. I'm captain of the Quidditch team and Head Boy this year. Empty honors. I know what real honor is. I have learned a lot this year, more than I ever have before. This world is a cold and dark place, and to succeed, one must equal it in darkness._

_ Now I really don't know why I am writing you. I am done with you. I no longer long for what we could have had. I know my place now. I know what I am doing here. My parents are proud of me and I am accepted._

_ So farewell, Marlene. I hope you live a happy life, for the sake of what we used to have, but I know that with the current way things are progressing, that will not be the case. And I am sorry for you, and for what has been happening to your family, but you could stop it. You could join the Dark Lord. I know you are to proud to surrender yourself over though, so I won't bother you about that. We will clearly never see eye-to-eye on this._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Regulus Black_


	8. Chapter 8

Here is the end. Drop a review and tell me what you thought! Also, Merry Christmas to all, if you celebrate. If not, a happy holidays to everyone. This is my Christmas present to whoever is reading... I hope you have enjoyed this little piece of mine.

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><p><em>September 19, 1979<em>

_My dearest Marlene,_

_I am so sorry for my last letter. I was angry at you because I thought that by being angry I could be a better Death Eater. I was wrong. I know now what I must do. And before you say that that is exactly what I said last time, this time it is true. It is not what I feel obliged to do, or what I feel honor bound to do. No one is forcing me. It is the best thing I can do. I finally understand why you fight against Voldemort, and why he must be stopped. I finally know what I should have been doing for the past few years. And though I can't change what I should have done, I can try and effect the future, try and change it so that the world will be a better place._

_ I have enclosed all the letters you have sent me, even the one I carried with me. It has gotten me through difficult times. Perhaps one of mine has helped you in the same way. All I ask is that you don't let me be completely forgotten. Maybe someday, someone will find these letters, one of your children who live in a brighter time, and... I don't know. I don't know what they would do with these. But the idea that someone years from now could be reading these in a brighter world gives me hope, and that is something I haven't felt in too long. For the first time in a long time, I will nourish that little flickering flame of candlelight that is hope._

_ Even with that hope, I still have regrets. But if tonight goes as I plan, those will be far fewer than they are now, and I will have done something that I should, because I know it to be the correct thing to do. There is nothing that can change my path now, even though you were always insisting that I was in charge of my own life and could do whatever I wanted. But that's the thing, the crazy, beautiful thing about this – I am finally doing something that I know is right and good, and I want to do it._

_ What I will do is not self-preservation, or for the love and advancement and honor and purity of my family. It is because this is for the future of our world. Purebloods, halfbloods, quarterbloods and muggle-borns all have a place in our society, I see that now, and if I can do anything to help further their cause and yours against the Dark Lord, then I will die a peaceful man._

_ When I saw you last, at the fight in the clearing half a year ago, you told me that you wished things could have been different. If I die tonight, as I know I will, that will remain the thing I have agreed with the most. Because I wanted more than anything for years to be able to call you mine for the whole world to see. I wanted to walk down the halls of Hogwarts with my arm slung around your shoulders without a care for what my family and House would think, but I never could. You and Sirius, and all the Gryffindors... I envied your courage to do everything you wanted, everything I could never do._

_ The Sorting Hat almost placed me into Hufflepuff. I begged it for Slytherin because I couldn't shame my family with going into any House but Slytherin. But deep down I wish that it had ignored me and placed me in Hufflepuff. I think I would have made a good Hufflepuff, and I would have been happier. I am loyal, and I would have rather been in a den of badgers who loved each other for what they were rather than than a pit of snakes who expected too many things of me._

_ The Black family is a dying breed. I am the last of the true Blacks, but after tonight I will be just as bad as my brother. Perhaps worse. I won't tell you what I am planning to do tonight because then they can't force it out of you. Actually no, that's not the reason I won't tell you. I suppose I just don't want you to think I'm trying to make myself out to be some big hero, when we both know I'm not. I am a Hufflepuff, no Gryffindor. I have never been a hero, and I don't think I ever wanted to be either. Heroes have the nasty tendency to get those they love killed._

_ It seems this letter is full of nevers and regrets. That's not entirely what I wanted from it, but there's another regret. I'm no good at saying what I feel, you know that. I'm fantastic at telling you what I want, I think, but not how I actually feel. My life has been lies and deceit, covering up scandals for my family and trying not to shame them. I don't expect you to be able to sympathize with this or understand – you are made of fire and you do what you feel is right, a gorgeous, perfect devil-may-care smile on your lips. I envy and admire that._

_ And I finally know why I am writing you, and why I have written you all these years when I shouldn't. When death looks you in the face, suddenly things become clear and understandable. No more lies, no more dodging what I actually should say. I love you Marlene, with all my heart and soul. I always will, and I will die peacefully knowing that I have finally told you._

_ But here is my last hope for you. Finally my selfishness is gone, the veil is lifted from my eyes. I want you to move on and be happy. Find a man who will love you and cherish you as I dreamed of doing, love you and cherish you with every fiber of his being. Love him, marry him, have children with him, grow old with him. Find a man worthy of you, of your goodness and your glory, and love him fiercely as I know only you can. We never know what will be taken from us, and we never know how long we have a good thing. So grab the minotaur by the horns, love and laugh and be happy until you can't any more, and damn the consequences. Because you, sweet Marlene, are the passion and the fury, the fire in the winter, the first rain after summer. You are the harp and the horn, the lullaby and the war cry, and you deserve the world and everything else._

_ I love you._

_ Regulus_


End file.
